


Pulse Points

by heavymetalqueen



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, a la cam and mitch, also angsty start but mostly fluff dont worry, i cannot write smut to save my life im so sorry lol, i wrote this in a feverish haze, isayama u better be on that, so this is just pure chaos, take notes, they deserve a wedding DAMMIT!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29978391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavymetalqueen/pseuds/heavymetalqueen
Summary: an Eruri canonverse wedding wouldn't be complete without: countless breakdowns, the world's fastest and most unnecessary ordination, flour-related sabotage, and the occasional shit joke. or references to jokes about shit. you tell me.(oh, and also love. lots of icky sappy cheesy gross love.)
Relationships: Levi Ackerman & Erwin Smith, Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith, minor mobuhan :)
Kudos: 15





	1. Something Old (Levi)

**Author's Note:**

> this is dedicated to my dearest darlingest Chocookie, who has been nothing but encouraging and supportive throughout the writing of all my fics. :') Cho, you deserve to know how special and loved and wonderful you are. i am eternally grateful for you!

It wasn’t a new fear, that’s for sure. We all went outside the walls knowing that there was a chance we wouldn’t return, and if we did, we might not even be in one piece. It was a fact of life. I thought I had accepted it from the moment I joined the Corps. But there was something about this mission, in particular, that set me on edge.  
We’re lying in bed that night, and I can almost feel the electricity in the air. People are anxious. I mean, they always are before any mission. But it seems worse this time around. Maybe it was because I was sitting this one out, because of my stupid fucking leg, but I could feel—  
“Levi, what is it?” Erwin shut his book and set it down beside him before turning to face me. Dammit. The man barely has enough time to relax, much less to read, and I interrupt it with my worrying. But even that is pissing me off. He’s too perceptive for his own good.  
“It’s nothing. Go back to your book,” I say. Maybe I’m being an asshole, but he’s already got a lot on his plate. He doesn’t need to be thinking about my fear on top of everything else.  
“Levi, you promised,” he says, and starts pouting. _Pouting._ I mean, really. I can’t believe that a grown-ass man is resorting to the antics of a toddler. I honestly have no idea where the image of the cold, calculating commander comes from sometimes. And I also have no idea what possessed me to make this absurd promise, of telling him whatever’s on my mind.  
I bury my face in his neck instead, inhaling the smell of clean soap and the hint of musk. He waits, patiently, for me to start talking. He’s so good to me. I hate him so much, sometimes.  
“It’s fucking stupid.”  
“It’s not stupid.”  
“It is.”  
“I promise you it is not.”  
A beat of silence.  
“I’m just…worried, I guess.”  
“About?”  
“About the mission, you moron.”  
He sighs. “I know it’s not the best feeling in the world to sit this one out, but we’ll be fine.”  
“How would you know that? The brat’s gotten himself kidnapped again, and the fucking traitors—”  
“I didn’t say it would be easy. I said we would be fine. Look, there are contingency plans for my contingency plans.”  
We sit in silence for a while. He can probably read my mind. _But still…_  
“Levi?”  
“Erwin?”  
We laugh uneasily.  
“You go first,” I say.  
He takes in a shaky breath. Why does he seem nervous? Now _I’m_ nervous, goddammit.  
“If you’re scared that I won’t be back, then maybe there is something that will convince you.”  
He gets up from bed and starts rummaging in his drawers for something. When he finds it, he holds it behind his back.  
“What are you, five?”  
He smiles, but there is still a bit of uncertainty in his eyes. Then he drops down on one knee. What the actual _fuck_ is going on.  
“Levi,” he starts, then he has to clear his throat. I’m frozen, halfway up from bed, in sleeping clothes. This has to be the most domestic proposal in human history.  
“When I first met you, I knew that you would be an asset to the Corps.”  
“That’s a great way to start.”  
Erwin rolls his eyes and holds out the box, now opened to reveal a simple silver band.  
“Just listen. I was going to do this when I got back, but I want you to know that even when you’re not fighting beside me, you still play a significant role in changing the course of history.”  
“Is this a proposal for marriage or for more funds?”  
He huffs, and I finally sit back and motion for him to continue his little speech.  
“Okay, okay. But you don’t have to lay it on so thick.”  
“Proposals are supposed to be grand and romantic!”  
“Erwin, we’re in your bedroom. In the barracks. This is hardly the place for grand, romantic gestures.”  
He looks hurt now, and moves to shut the box, but I put a hand over his.  
“What I mean is, you can just be honest. Whatever you have to say, you know what my answer will be anyway.”  
I swallow nervously, because what he’s asking for is finally settling in: a marriage between the two people in this world who are most likely to die within the next few months, if not days.  
But his eyes brighten, and he seems to get a bit of his old confidence back.  
“I never would have expected to be on the receiving end of as much happiness as I feel when I’m with you, and sometimes I wonder if I even deserve it.”  
He pauses, as if waiting for another side comment from me. But I stay silent and watch him carefully.  
“Whether or not I deserve it, we are together, here and now. Granted,” he laughs, “we are in what may possibly be the least romantic setting for a proposal. If I could, I would bring you to the forest, or the town square, but that would really set a bad example for everyone else since it’s so late at night already.”  
“And, also, I would hate it if you asked me in front of others.”  
“That too.” He gives me a fond smile, one that seems to be designed to cause my heart to ache.  
“For however much time we have left, would you do me the honor of becoming my husband?”  
Tears are starting to fill my eyes, and I rub them away roughly.  
“Tch. You even added a depressing twist to this proposal. What’s next, a song and dance routine?”  
At that, he growls, half in frustration and half in humor, and tackles me down on the bed. Before I can push him off, he’s already lifting himself off me.  
“So, what do you say? Will you marry me?”  
I stare up at him for a moment, memorizing each feature on his face. But I am always drawn back to his eyes, wide and glimmering and so, so blue.  
“Yes, you absolute idiot. You infuriate me half the time, but I’m never happier than when I’m with you, either.”  
Erwin laughs, but I can see his tears as he slides the ring onto my finger. It catches the warm candlelight.  
“Look at the mess I’ve made. Now we’re both crying,” he says.  
“I’m pretty sure that’s the opposite of what’s supposed to happen in a pro—”  
“Say, what makes you the proposal expert?!”  
He puts his full weight on top of me, and I make a strangled sound of surprise.  
“No, get away from me!”  
“Sorry, it looks like you’ll be stuck with me for the rest of your life.”  
I shrug, and just lean in. When his mouth is on mine, I whisper that I wouldn’t have it any other way.  
I can feel his smile as he takes that last, tiny step, and kisses me. But then he pulls back again.  
“What is it now?”  
“I just remembered. You were going to say something earlier. What was it?”  
“Oh, I was going to ask if you would just fuck me already, since I was so anxious and everything. That always seems to help.”  
“Oh. Is that all I am to you now, stress relief?”  
“Maybe. Why don’t you prove that you can do more than just relieve my stress, then?”  
“I thought you’d never ask.”  
He dives under the covers, finally, and I can’t say anything other than his name for the rest of the night.

* * *

He must have really tired me out last night, because I don’t hear him moving around the room and putting on his gear. I only wake up fully when he sits on the side of the bed and stares at me fondly.  
“Spit it out already.” Clearly, I’m not a morning person at all.  
He doesn’t say anything and just traces the ring that is still on my finger. My hand is curled over the blanket, as it has been since he placed it there when he got out of bed. Apparently, I forcefully tangle all of our limbs together in the night. Erwin jokes that getting out of bed is his morning exercise already.  
“We’re about to leave,” he finally says. “I just wanted to say good morning to my fiancé, that’s all.”  
“Tch. You are such a fucking sap.” I roll my eyes, but I can feel the barest of blushes on my face. My body is a traitor.  
“You love me anyway,” he says, and really, who am I to deny that?  
He leans down and pushes the hair out of my face before giving me a long kiss. It’s the kind of kiss that you could swoon over, if you were the sentimental type. Later, I realize it was one of the kisses that came before yet another big change in my life. But, of course, I couldn’t have known that then.  
Before getting up, he rests his head on mine, and I can practically feel the fatigue coming off him in waves. I lift one hand—the one with the ring, of course—and put it on the back of his head. This is all the comfort I can provide for now.  
“I love you,” he says. “I’ll come back to you, healthy and safe, don’t worry.”  
“Don’t be an idiot. Even if you tell me not to, I’ll still worry.”  
He just chuckles a bit and waits for me to say it back.  
I sigh. “I love you too. I’ll be waiting for you tonight.”  
“Don’t stay up, I’ll have a mountain of paperwork to finish.”  
“I know. But don’t tell me what to do.”  
He sighs before getting up. Then he takes one last glance back at me.  
I must look a mess: my hair all mussed up, my sleeping clothes as rumpled as the bedsheets, with the cold morning light coating everything...and, of course, the silver ring on my hand, now resting on the bedspread.  
“Just go already. You’re making my jealousy worse by dragging this out.”  
I hear one last laugh and a “see you later, love,” before the door closes behind him.

* * *

I spend the day cleaning the barracks. Almost everyone is gone, after all. It’s rare that I can do such a deep clean. The brats’ rooms, in particular, are hideous.  
As hard as I scrub the floors, I still worry that something will go wrong today. It’s not just that I’m not part of the expedition. I really do think that something could go horribly, awfully wrong.  
But there’s nothing I can do, not with these injuries. So, I put my head down and keep scrubbing, hoping that I will wash my fears away with all of the grime and dust.  
Wait, are those crumbs? I’m going to kill that Blouse brat when she gets back. I’m sure she brought bread in here last night. If I see a rat, I might actually feed her to a Titan and see how she feels about food then.

* * *

It’s sunset when they get back to the barracks, and I’m sitting in the windowsill of Erwin’s room, cleaning my gear even though I won’t be using it anytime soon. My back aches from working all day. Then I remember that I’m going to see Erwin, safe and healthy, in a matter of minutes. Then I can practically feel the fatigue leave me. How embarrassing. Is this how all newly engaged people act?  
I gaze out over the horses and carts, looking for a familiar blonde head.  
Then my stomach drops. I don’t see him anywhere.  
I run out of the room and down the stairs, my injured leg be damned.  
I grab the first person I see. It’s Armin. I can hardly see through my panic as I shake his shoulders and ask where Erwin is.  
“Heichou, he’s…”  
Why does the brat look so scared?  
“What the fuck is going on? Where is he?”  
Armin swallows and gestures toward a cart that is headed towards the medical bay. Fuck. Now I’m torn between asking more questions and going after him. My fiancé. By the walls, we haven’t even been engaged for a full day yet.  
I decide to ask more questions first. “Is he dead? What fucking happened? Tell me everything.”  
I don’t realize that I’m shaking him so severely until Hange appears behind me, gently pulling me away from the terrified Armin.  
“He lost his arm,” Hange says, in the most serious voice I’ve ever heard from them. “He was telling us all to advance, then a Titan caught him by the arm and carried him away.”  
“No. No, that can’t be right. He would never be so irresponsible.”  
“It wasn’t about being irresponsible, Levi. It wasn’t his fault. The Titan practically came out of nowhere.”  
I wave a hand away, and almost beg Hange for more information.  
“The Scouts kept charging, but he was able to cut his own arm off and rejoin us. We put him in the cart and rode back here as fast as we could.”  
I can’t hear or see much of anything anymore, except for a pounding, relentless red. I turn away from Hange and head off to the medical bay. Anyone who tries to stop me will be decked in the face without hesitation.

* * *

Erwin finally wakes up and the first thing I can think to say is, “how could you?” as though it were an act of against me, and not the loss of another person’s arm. “How could you?”  
“Levi, I’m sorry, I—”  
“Don’t apologize,” I say, in my driest tone, knowing full well that he can see through it. “Tell me what you were thinking.”  
“The Female Titan just kept calling other Titans over, and they were nearly impossible to fight off, there were so many of them. And the soldiers were losing morale. I had to tell them to keep going somehow.”  
“Was it worth it?”  
“Was what worth it?”  
“Don’t be smart with me. Losing your fucking arm.”  
“Well, we were able to get Eren back.”  
“So, was it worth it?”  
“And we learned more about his powers. And we know, for certain, who the traitors are. The question is where they’re from…”  
I stand up from my chair abruptly, cutting his sentence short. I can’t take this anymore. Here he is, with his arm chopped off, in a hospital bed, wondering what the next goddamned step is. Like his arm isn’t important at all.  
“What is it, Levi?” Suddenly, he sounds old and tired. I’m beginning to feel the full weight of our shared helplessness.  
I kneel beside his bed, close enough that he can run a hand (his only hand left, my brain supplies, as if I needed that) over my head.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“What do you have to apologize for?”  
“I wasn’t there to protect you, or at least warn you. If I had healed faster, this wouldn’t have happened.”  
“Levi, you can’t possibly think this was your fault.”  
I look up at him, and although I know that, I still feel like it is somehow.  
“I knew it. I had a bad feeling about this last night. And look what happened.”  
He stays silent. It’s a good thing about Erwin. He knows when to speak, and defend himself, and when to listen patiently.  
“So, let me apologize. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to kill that Titan myself before it even got to you.”  
We sit in silence for a while, then he opens his mouth to speak.  
“No, I should be apologizing. I’m sorry for causing you so much worry and pain. I thought that I had planned enough for this, but I just didn’t see it coming.”  
Well, at least he knows he fucked up. He has the most ridiculous tunnel vision I’ve ever seen in anyone, but at least he is honest.  
“But there is something else I need to apologize for.” There is deep sadness creeping into his voice now. When did I get so good at reading his tone, I wonder?  
“This morning, I left you with the promise that your fiancée would return to you, safe and healthy.” His voice cracks a bit at the end, and I wince.  
“If you…” he hesitates. “If you would like to end our engagement, I would understand. You have so much promise, and you would only be burdened by such a—”  
“Wait. Wait. Erwin, what the actual, genuine fuck are you saying right now?”  
“You deserve someone who can protect you and care for you. I can’t do that with only one arm.”  
Oh. So this is what he was worried about. By the motherfucking walls. Sometimes, I can’t believe I’m in love with such a moron.  
“Are you a fucking idiot, or do you have a concussion? Maybe I should call a doctor in and have your head checked.”  
Erwin snaps his head up at that, and the confusion replaces the despair that was just on his face. I don’t know if I should kiss him or slap him.  
“I’m not marrying you because I need you to protect me, or some stupid bullshit like that. You know I can protect myself.”  
“But—”  
“Don’t you dare interrupt me right now. I am pissed at you. Furious. Livid.”  
There is the smallest of smiles on his face. I think he knows what I’m going to say before I even say it.  
“You could lose both your arms and I’d still want to marry you. Or both your arms and your legs. But maybe if you lost your dick, I would—”  
He starts laughing at that. “Alright, Levi, I get it.”  
“The point is that I want to marry you for who you are, you absolute twat. I told you that I would follow you into hell, and that offer still stands. I’ll help you dress up, and take a bath, and learn how to write again. So. Fucking. What. I’ll do anything I can to help you because I love you. It scares me, sometimes, just how much I fucking love you.”  
At that, I reach for his hand and squeeze it tightly. I can barely look up at him for a minute, because I can tell it’s going to be the softest, most loving look anyone’s ever had on their face, and it will destroy me once and for all.  
When I can take a deep breath and look up at him, I see this: a man with a scruffy beard, hair down and in his face, missing one arm, bruised and beaten, but still with so much love and peace on his face. I can say, with total confidence, that he is still the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life.  
But of course, I’ll never say that out loud. His head would get too big, and it’s big enough already.  
“First order of business, though, is to get you shaved. It’s undignified.”  
“You don’t like it? I thought I would go for a more rustic look, since I’m halfway there already.”  
“You’re right, you do look like you could live in the forest and chop down trees and shit.”  
“See? I’ve got a new career, then.” And suddenly, we are no longer joking around anymore.  
“You shut your mouth. Or I _will_ actually slap you this time.”  
“I’m honestly surprised you haven’t done it yet.”  
“Shut up. Seriously, though. Are you just that stupid? There’s no one else the Survey Corps would follow except for you, old man. And besides, you’re not dead yet. Your brain still works, and that’s all you’re good for, anyway.” If it was anyone else, they would be offended, but Erwin can read between the lines.  
“Why, thank you, Levi. But I’m sure that’s not _all_ I’m good for,” he says, and he pulls me up to the bed so he can kiss me. I kiss him back ferociously, if only to get that stupid smirk off his face.


	2. Something New (Erwin)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi puts Erwin in charge of planning for the wedding. Not really sure if that was the best decision, but here we are anyway.
> 
> Also, Sassy Levi is alive and well! He's thriving in the midst of the chaos!

Despite the awful expedition, the next few weeks are strange. The atmosphere in the barracks is…unexpectedly positive. Through my window, I can actually hear people laughing. Morale has never been higher. We've even been getting funds from the capital. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes.  
“See, this is what I mean,” Levi said, when I told him. “If you actually used lines from your proposal to me in your letter to the capital, I’m calling off the wedding.”  
In retaliation, I swat his ass.  
“Take pity on me. I was nervous! It’s not every day that you propose to someone.”  
“Unless you’re the Commander of the Survey Corps, that is.”  
“You know, darling, you’re running that joke ragged.”  
“Oh, shut up. You’ll have to hear my shit jokes for the rest of all time.”  
“Shit jokes, or just jokes about shit?”  
“By the fucking walls, we’re a pair, aren’t we? And both, for your information.”  
Many of our conversations end up with us dissolving into giggles. But privately, of course. I can’t have the soldiers seeing me act in such a childish and unbecoming way.  
But the fact that I can act like that, even in private, even without being under the influence of alcohol, speaks wonders about how well we’re doing for a change.  
It’s a strange new feeling, this hope, but it’s a promising one too. It’s a good change from the old fear we seem to carry around with us all the time. I can only hope it carries on through the wedding.  
Speaking of the wedding, I’d better start organizing it or Levi may actually call it all off.

* * *

The first person I talk to is Miche, of course. Once I’m well enough to be back in my office, I call him in.  
Miche salutes in the doorway. “Danchou, glad to see you’re doing well,” he says.  
“Is there anyone in the hallways? You don’t have to be so formal.”  
“You’re not just my old classmate anymore. You’re the commander now, Erwin.” He rolls his eyes. “Anyway, what did you call me in for?”  
“Ah, yes. That.”  
Miche waits patiently as I clear my throat. “Levi and I are engaged.”  
It takes quite a bit to shock someone as reliable and calm as Miche, so this must really be surprising. His eyes practically pop out of his head.  
“You and Levi…oh. That explains why he’s been cleaning less lately, actually. I don’t smell the stuff as much. And even when he does clean, he sometimes whistles.”  
I have to laugh at that. The only person in the world whose mood could be determined by the cleanliness of a room would be my fiancé.  
“Congratulations, Erwin. And Nanaba will be so happy to hear that you two got your shit together, finally.”  
“They would say that. And thank you, Miche. But that’s not all I called you here for. We’ve been great friends for years, and we’ve been through things together that have made our bond practically unbreakable. So, with that in mind, would you do me the honor of being my best man?”  
Who knew that the surprises weren’t over yet? The minute it really sinks in to Miche that I’m asking him to be my best man, tears fill his eyes. He looks like an overgrown, emotional puppy.  
“I would be honored, Erwin,” he manages to choke out. “I would be so honored.”  
I settle back into my seat and check that off the list I made. My handwriting still looks like chicken scratch, but Levi helps me every morning before reveille. His stubbornness about it is adorable, to be quite honest.  
Miche turns to leave, but then he stops in the doorway.  
“Wait, does that mean I get to write a horrible speech and deliver it at the party?”  
“Yes,” I say, without really listening. I’m still picturing Levi’s nose all scrunched up as he examines the dirty sentence that he made me write on the paper.  
“Wait, Miche! What do you mean by horrible?!” I call as Miche leaves the room, his laughter doing nothing to assuage my fears. 

* * *

Next on my list is Moblit.  
He enters the room, looking mildly apprehensive. But perhaps his face really just looks like that, after having to clean up after my (dear, trusted friend) Hange all the time.  
“You called, Danchou?”  
“Yes, Moblit, please take a seat.” The poor man actually looks like he’s being led to his execution. What in the name of Sina has Hange been putting him through?  
“I called you in because I would like to ask a great favor from you.”  
“Of course, Danchou. Just say the word and I’ll stop Hange from continuing their new experiment. They actually burned off their left eyebrow just yesterday, in fact.”  
At that, I have to exhale deeply.  
In unison, we say, “Hange.” It’s eerie how much despair there is in the word, actually.  
“That’s probably for the best, Moblit, but no. That’s not why I called you here. Levi and I are engaged.”  
At that, Moblit actually claps his hands together in glee.  
“My congratulations Danchou! You two make an amazing couple.”  
“Thank you, Moblit. Anyway, I was wondering if you would officiate the wedding. Only if you want to, of course. There is no pressure on our part.”  
At that Moblit, looks positively starstruck. I fear he may collapse.  
“Of course, Danchou! I’ll get ordained right away.”  
At that, Moblit stands up to leave. But not before I say, “Wait, Moblit, you don’t _actually_ have to be ordained! It’s just a small ceremony!”  
He waves a hand, and off he goes. Oh, by the walls. Should I really be in charge of planning?

* * *

From that day onwards, I can’t walk in the hallway without being congratulated by yet another soldier. I greet them all graciously, but really, I wonder how Levi’s handling all of this new fame. He hates being in the spotlight. Knowing him, he’s probably hit someone already. And knowing him well, that someone is probably Hange. (As we lay in bed that night, I ask him how his conversation with Hange went. Instead of asking what they talked about, however, I asked him how many times he punched Hange. “Hmm. Three times, I think. Once, for shrieking so loud it nearly broke the glass. I mean that literally. The next time was for asking about our sex life.” At this, he shudders. I pat his arm in sympathy. “And finally, when I asked if they would walk me down the aisle.” “Why would you hit them then? That seemed like a sweet moment.” He gives me a cold, appraising look. “They asked if that meant they were my father figure.” “Ah.”)  
Speaking of Hange, I should probably talk to them about a pause on the experiments. I file that away in my mental list of tasks that never seems to end.

But for now, I have a meeting with the soldiers from the 104th. They’re all terribly excited about the news.  
Since there’s so many of them, I decided to meet them on the training grounds the next morning.  
“Good morning, Danchou!” Historia seems as bubbly as ever, and Ymir nods in greeting.  
Everyone follows suit, all in varying stages of disarray and tiredness. It is early in the morning after all. I didn’t have any time in the day otherwise. See what I mean about having an endless list of tasks?  
“I called you here because I’m sure you’ve all heard the news, and—”  
“Congratulations!” Eren yells repeatedly. Marco and Armin are clapping politely, while Connie and Sasha seem to actually be jumping in the air, even at this hour. Where they get their energy, I have no idea.  
“Thank you. I called you here because I need your help with something.”  
At that, they all come close in something that vaguely resembles a huddle.  
“Yes, Danchou,” Jean says, very seriously.  
“We’ll do anything to make sure your wedding day goes smoothly,” adds Armin.  
“I want you to decide, amongst yourselves…” At that I pause and look down at my list.  
“Who is going to decorate the dining hall for the pre-wedding dinner, the clearing for the ceremony, and the grounds for the party; who’s going to cook for the pre-wedding dinner and the wedding party; and who’s going to be part of the procession. Oh, and the seating arrangements, too.”  
They all start chatting, finally animated. One voice rises above everyone else’s, of course.  
“I want to be the flower girl!” Eren practically screeches in my face. Armin is standing behind him, trying to pull him back before it’s too late and failing miserably.  
Instead of putting my cold commander mask on, I burst into laughter. The cadets look beyond stunned. To be honest, a part of me is as well. But it’s not every day that you get married, after all.  
“You have my full support, Eren,” I say. “But you may have to take this up with Levi.”  
An affronted Eren says, “Excuse him, I would look amazing in a dress!”  
Mikasa finally pulls Eren to the side. “That’s not what Danchou means, Eren,” she says in her most placating tone. “You might get tangled up in the decorations and destroy everything, that’s all.”  
At that, Eren looks even more upset, and he runs off. When Armin asks him where he’s going, Eren calls back that he’s going to find a dress so he can start practicing training in it. “That way,” he yells back, “I’ll be totally fine just standing there at the wedding!”  
Armin has the most priceless, long-suffering look on his face, before he turns to the other cadets.  
“Sasha and Jean, you’re in charge of the cooking.” Is it really a good idea to put Sasha so close to the food, I wonder? But she looks so happy, she’s practically salivating over the food options Jean’s throwing at her. So I leave them be.  
“We can ask the others to help move the chairs, but I can decorate the clearing with Mikasa.”  
“I don’t need their help, I can do it on my own,” Mikasa insists. I’m not inclined to disagree with her on that.  
“Marco, Historia, and Ymir can make the grounds look pretty for the party,” Armin finishes. Ymir gives Armin a nod of appreciation and Historia squeals in excitement.  
Then Historia turns to me with a very solemn look on her face. “Wait, can I still be part of the procession?”  
“Of course you can.”  
She grins and starts mapping out who will go where. “Eren will want to be in the front, then we can have Ymir hold the candle, Historia with one ring and Mikasa with the other, Jean can handle the rope…” Historia and Armin bend their heads over a piece of paper that Armin has procured out of nowhere, and I turn to leave.  
“Wait, what about me?!” Connie pipes up. He’s practically vibrating with excitement.  
“What do you think about being a flower girl with Eren?” I ask.  
I’m sure they can hear Connie’s ecstatic yell for miles.

* * *

Later that night, Levi and I are having dinner in our room. The wedding is scheduled at the end of the month, which gives us approximately seventeen days to prepare.  
“Okay,” he says. He clears his throat to add to the drama before holding up the list with a flourish. I find it funny that no one except me knows just how dramatic he can be. It makes me laugh every time.  
“Food?”  
“Jean is doing the appetizers and the cake, Sasha’s doing the main course.”  
“Just them?”  
“Of course not. They’re forcing everyone from Hange’s squad to help. And then some.”  
“Figures. Next, decorations?”  
“Armin and Mikasa are decorating the clearing. Marco, Ymir, and Historia are decorating the training grounds for the party. Everyone’s pitching in for the dining hall.”  
“Hmm.” That’s as much of a resounding yes as anyone will get out of him. “The ceremony?”  
“Moblit’s officiating. I told him not to get ordained, but he was just so excited…”  
Levi snorts at that. “And everything else? The candle, the rope, the rings?”  
“Ymir is holding the candle. She seems the least likely to burn down the barracks, in any case.”  
“Accidentally, you mean. She could do it on purpose.”  
“True, but Historia will hold her back for our sakes.”  
“That is also true. Rings?”  
“Historia’s got one ring, and Mikasa’s got the other.”  
“Don’t normal ceremonies have one person holding the rings?”  
“My love, with them involved, nothing in this ceremony is going to be normal.”  
“Fair. And the rope?”  
“Jean. Provided he doesn’t strangle Eren with it before then.”  
“That is always possible...Seating chart? Do we even _need_ a seating chart?”  
“Yes, we do. Zackly and Pixis want to attend. Really, I think they’re just here for the drinks, but don’t quote me that.”  
“Mm. So who’s doing seating?”  
“Marco and Armin. They’re both nice. They’ll figure out where everyone will go so a murder doesn’t actually occur on our wedding day.”  
“Okay...Oh, and the flowers. What about that?”  
“Nanaba’s handling it. They went into town to find a florist yesterday, I think.”  
“Eren’s missing from this list. And so is Connie. That seems suspicious.”  
I have to laugh at that. “Didn’t Eren tell you? He and Connie are going to be our flower girls.”  
Levi cocks an eyebrow at that. “Shouldn’t we be giving that position to the quieter brats? Like Mikasa and Historia. I’d take Sasha, even if it meant stuffing a pastry in her face to keep her still.”  
“No, I already gave them my blessing.” Before Levi can protest, I add, “And they’ve been practicing training in dresses, just so they can prove that they won’t knock anything over.”  
Levi sighs. “Why did I let you plan this, again?”  
“Because you were distraught over me losing my arm and wanted me to be distracted by wedding plans instead of moping about dejectedly?”  
“Tch. That’s true.” His eyes travel down to the bottom of the list.  
“Well, it seems like we’re done here.” I say, settling down for dinner.  
Levi sets the paper down on the table and prepares to eat, before he narrows his eyes.  
“Wait, there’s one more thing you haven’t added to this list.”  
I look up from the knife I’ve been trying to use, terrified that I’ve missed something important. “What is it?”  
Levi gives me a smug look. “The vows.”

* * *

In my defense, I’ve been trying quite hard to write my vow. Honestly. I’ve given countless speeches, wheedled money out of the unsuspecting elite, and somehow, I’m having trouble writing something for my future husband, the one person in the world who knows me better than I know myself and who loves me deeply anyway.  
But given my failed attempt at a grand and romantic proposal, it seems that the rules for more intimate settings are trickier to maneuver.

I’ve gone to everyone I could think of for advice. Nanaba (“just write the sappy shit, you know what I mean, he’ll eat it up”); Miche (simply stared and laughed uproariously in my face); Hange (“Erwin, even I can tell that ‘you are an asset to the Corps’ is not romantic at all”); and Moblit (couldn’t even respond, was trying to stop Hange from jumping off the roof for yet another experiment).  
We are a week from the wedding, and the advice that really stands out is the opportunity to jump off the roof with Hange.  


* * *

The worst part is that Levi knows about my agony. So this is how he discovered my greatest source of shame to this day. 

I’m pacing in my office after hours of fruitless work, with nothing to show but a full wastebasket and empty papers scattered about my desk. Then I hear the door open and the familiar ‘tch’ of disdain. I think it may have actually made my blood run cold.  
“I haven’t seen you this stressed in years. Are you thinking of a new formation?”  
“No,” I say, as I hurriedly try to conceal all of the papers from Levi’s view. “This is for something else. Something personal.”  
“Hmm.” It is dead silent, and I only have half a second to process things before he lunges at me and grabs the paper from my hand.  
“My Vow to Levi,” he reads out loud. He turns the paper over before he realizes it’s blank. I don’t even have to look at his face to see how incredulous he is.  
“Don’t tell me you can’t think of anything to write.”  
“It’s not that, Levi, I just—”  
“It’s even more insulting since I’ve heard you give good speeches before.”  
“That’s different, you—”  
“Well, darling,” he drawls, “I hope you don’t include ‘the course of history’ anywhere in this.”  
I sigh deeply and sink into my chair. I’ve been defeated. The one thing I had to convince others I was worth anything at all, my words, has been taken away from me.  
I hear light footsteps, then feel a kiss on the back of my head that communicates more of Levi’s belief in my capabilities than any piece of advice ever could.  
“I love you, and I will love whatever you come up with. Even if your vow is shit, it doesn’t change anything.”  
“Thank you for the vote of confidence.” My words are muffled by how my face is pressed into the desk.  
He scoffs and hits me in the back of the head. “Don’t put your head on the table, I haven’t cleaned it yet.”  
I sit up in indignation. “You wouldn’t. You promised you wouldn’t touch my desk!”  
Levi is already strolling away. “There we go. If I asked him to defend his desk from being cleaned, he could probably do it,” he says to no one in particular, “but a wedding vow…? Impossible.”  
I am seriously considering throwing my entire wastebasket at him.  


* * *

That night, I toss and turn for hours. Levi is curled into my side with his limbs all tangled in mine as always. For once, his sleep is deep enough that even my thrashing doesn’t wake him.  
It is just so unfair and ridiculous that I can’t think of anything to say. No, it isn’t that I can’t think of anything to say. It’s more of the fact that there is _too much_ to say. I couldn’t have loved Levi more if he had been my own beating, bloody heart, and the magnitude of what he means to me is finally dawning on me. I don’t just love him. I respect him and trust him more than I ever did with anyone else in my life. I fully rely on him and he knows that he can rely on me no matter what.  
Eventually, all of my movements, coupled with the frustrated grunts and sighs that are growing in volume, wake him up.  
“Erwin, for fuck’s sake,” he grumbles, startling me out of my frustrations.  
“I’m sorry, darling,” I say quickly, giving him a kiss on the temple to appease him a bit.  
There is silence for a while, and I think he’s fallen asleep, but then he speaks again, in a softer voice.  
“What are you so scared of saying?”  
I think about those words for a while. If it came from anyone else, I would be defensive right away. I am the openly homosexual commander of the Survey Corps, about to marry his Captain after eight years of working on humanity’s behalf and falling in love, besides. I’m not about to hide anything from my subordinates and from the gossipy elite of Sina alike. It took years for me to get to a point where I could be confident about such personal matters, and I’m not willing to give anything up for the world. But there is something holding me back from writing the vows, and Levi had asked exactly the right question to dislodge the words from where they had been stuck in my throat.  
“It’s a bit of a weird situation to be in, writing for personal matters.” I pause, wondering if he really has fallen back asleep, but he places a kiss on my shoulder, and I continue. “I’ve been writing to the capital for years, asking for funding. I’ve stood in front of hundreds of fresh-faced cadets and convinced them to join the military branch for genuine lunatics. I have always had to…convince someone to give me something. Manipulate them, inspire them; it was all the same. There was always something I wanted from them, something that they were nervous or unwilling to give me. I knew that uncertainty well. There’s a big jump between doing drills in the training corps and actually fighting off Titans outside. That sort of thing.” Levi nods. “But with the vow, it’s different. I’m not trying to convince you to give me money, or to join the Corps because you’re an ‘asset’ to us, although you are.” He snorts at that. “I’m baring my soul in front of all these people, but especially you. I’m asking you to examine the contents of my heart to see if they hold up to the love and dedication that you have been giving me for years now. And I’m scared,” at this my voice gets softer, “that it won’t be enough. I’ve hidden behind my words and my carefully woven lies for so long that it’s hard for me to know what really is in there, beneath all that. It’s not only that, though. Even when you do know what’s underneath…I don’t know if you’ll still really love me then, or if I’m even worthy of that love.”  
In any other situation—if it hadn’t been the dead of night, if Levi hadn’t been half-asleep, if I hadn’t been exhausted from forcing my brain to bleed onto the paper—I would never have been so vulnerable and open, even towards him. It was my burden, my shame to bear, this inability and uncertainty. If he had laughed, I would have understood. I might have even laughed with him. But he simply sat there in silence, tracing shapes over the part of my arm that I still had.  
“There are many things I love about you,” he starts, “but your dedication is near the top of the list. You have made so many hard, awful decisions that many of us hardly even know about, but you do it anyway because you really believe in the cause. And more than that, you’re willing to do all of the hard work it takes to free humanity.”  
“You’re beginning to sound like me. Maybe we spend too much time together.” At this point, I would say anything to defuse the tension that’s building within me, even if it means that he’ll hit me in the arm. Oof, there it is.  
“Shut up, I’m getting to my point. I don’t mind that you’ve had to manipulate and inspire people to get here. It’s not an easy world we live in. Sometimes we have to get into the mess of it all and do things ourselves. The fact that you can be honest about it is…refreshing. It just shows that you trust me enough with your doubts. And I’m telling you, as someone who loves you deeply, that I understand.”  
We lie there in silence for a while.  
“I know who you are, Erwin Smith,” he whispers. “I have always seen you for who you are. You are brave, and kind, and strong. But you are also human. You don’t have to be perfectly confident all the time. I will never, ever love you any less for it. And I will never regret choosing to follow you.”  
A tear falls, and I don’t realize that it is mine until Levi reaches up to wipe it away. Even in the darkness, he knows where to find me.  
“You don’t have to say anything, love.” He only calls me that when he’s feeling very open and soft, so I don’t make fun of him for it. “Just go to sleep. You can start writing in the morning.”  
I nod, for although he cannot see it, he can feel it. Then I pull him closer to me.  
There is no more thrashing about, that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 3 will be out this weekend :) 
> 
> up next we have: Erwin in full-blown, vow-induced panic (sorry! i still love you erwin!) and some pre-wedding day chaos extraordinaire god help us all. hope you all enjoy x

**Author's Note:**

> i'm done writing everything soooo the next update will come like ? tomorrow ?? maybe. 
> 
> up next we have: wedding planning w people who are a bit too excited. just a tad. also some vow-related breakdowns. poor Erwin. he's just trying his best okay!


End file.
